Hello,
One of the reason why I went to Pakistan for so long this recent trip was to spend time looking for the right girl for marriage. I was supposed to be there for a month, but my stay eventually exceeded to 40 days. I was initially excited, for I was pretty sure I would find the right person on this trip. My aunty had lined up a list of families who my mom and I were supposed to go meet. My aunt was hopeful, as were we.
The first thing that we realized was that I went to Pakistan in the month of Ramadan. That's the month everyone is fasting, and hardly any meetings happen between prospective families. However, there were two families that I did get to meet during Ramadan, and both families were all right, and the girls exceeded my expectations. However, things didn't work out with these families. The first girl we met showed too much attitude. The second girl's father refused to let the girl and I meet in absence of any elders.
So after Eid, we met up with several more families, but things were just not clicking. You see, I was not just looking at the girl. I was looking at the entire family package for everything matters. It's not just about the boy and the girl; I need to know what kind of family I will be getting myself into. I remember meeting one family who spoke in such heavy Urdu, with very basic English, and I knew I would not be able to get into that family, despite their daughter being a great girl.
I was indeed a little disappointed I didn't find any girl. The situation was such that a large pool of girls were either in two camps: in hijabs (nothing wrong with that, but not what I am looking for) or too partying-shartying kind, with drinking and a long list of boyfriends (they can do whatever they want, but these kind of girls aren't what I am looking for!) Where are the girls who are in the middle, the moderates ones? According to one of my relatives, they are all abroad, or are all engaged or hooked to someone or the other. The problem boiled to the fact that I don't live in Pakistan thus rendering me out of the social scene.
The good news is that since my parents have moved to Lahore, they will soon be meeting people they know, and through them we can get to know of families who are looking for a guy for their daughter. I tell you, it's not just about the guy and girl anymore, its a lot more than that.
The coolest thing was that I met up with Maria, my high school friend after three years, and it was awesome meeting up with here. We had been in touch ever since we left high school 10 years ago, and it's amazing how our friendship has lasted. Of course, I had to hear from everyone why I don't consider for marriage, since she is single too. I would tell them, Maria and I have discussed this issue and we have our reasons.
My brother and his family were here, and having met up with my niece (3yrs) and nephew (1yr) I so wanted to get married and have kids of my own. I am so ready. I have a job, a house and a car, and I need is a wife.
A quick question. There is one girl we know of who is a great girl, coming from an amazing family, very rich, well educated and down to earth. However, she is a divorcee with a 1yr old baby. I was ready to consider her but many around me were advising me not to. I don't see anything wrong, so why should others?
Mansur
8 comments:
i think that there are many girls out there who are so very nice but have gotten divorced and our culture is so biased against them. it's too bad.
however, devil's advocate: there are a few complications you should be careful to think about. 1) how do you feel about raising someone else's child, because this is an innocent life that deserves all the love in the world. 2) you should consider, does the girl feel like she has to marry whoever is willing to say yes to her, or is she making a true choice. pressures on her will be even higher than the normal girl to not pass up a good catch, even if she does not feel that she loves him.
personally i think that life is never as good when it is uncomplicated. i think those people that have been through hardship and "life" are the best amongst us.
To be honest with you, I did think about the situation, because the kid I would be raising is not my kid, and who knows how complicated the situation might become should the kid want to know who the real dad is later on. I would always be a step-dad to him, unless we choose not to mention anything to the kid as he is 1yr old now. The other thing is that the girl's grandmother is willing to take the kid and rear him and let the girl and the guy be on their own. Again, that's unfair the kid, but the grandmother is more than willing to raise the kid.
No doubt it's a complicated situation, but I am still thinking about it seriously. I always wanted to adopt a child, and so this is somewhat similar situation.
Mansur
Inshallah Allah will reward you the best girl for you are the best guy out there...and you deserve the best!
Sam
First of all.....curiosity is killing me here.......what about Maria?
Secondly, it is so easy to learn to love a baby, and it will be no time before you think of this baby as your own. Her family will have the highest respect for you (always desired from in-laws). You will be setting a fine example to others. You might be killing a few birds with one stone here, and that would be an extra nice start for your marriage.
But after I have said all of the above, I think with some time the right answer will come to you.
Well, mansur, a tricky situation indeed...but like CG says, it will be a great example for you to set and to break down the taboo that divorcee women are less worthy than virgins. Think about it..i don't think there is anything wrong with marrying a divorcee women.
hey mansur!
no doubt this is a tricky situation so I were in ur place, i'd place all my faith in Allah(SWT) and do a istikhara. and then whatever ur heart turns to.. blv in that and make ur decision :)
as for the consequences of ur decision.. knw that Allah(SWT) is there for that cuz it was under his shadow that u took ur decision!
hope this ws of some help to ya.. will def keep u in my prayers! May you InshAllah b blessed with an amazing wife sooooon..Aameen! :D
Hi! You don't know me, but I liked your comments on Saudi Jeans so I came over here to read your blog and I've enjoyed it so far. Your friends have given good advice here in your search for a wife : ) They all seem to bring up good points. One point I wanted to make is that if you're going to live in the US the divorce will probably matter less, because culturally here it is not as big a deal. That said, I was married once when I was younger and I have just gotten remarried. I have to tell you, there was so much shame (even for me, a nice American girl from the South!) in being divorced- but I learned so much from the whole horrid experience... My husband always says he's thankful for that jerk because if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been in the right place in my life, at the right time, with the right knowlege to be the right person for each other- he says I might have been too busy for him, or have met someone else in the intervening time. Set the divorce aside and look at her like any other prospect.
Hi Mansur,
i have enjoyed reading your blog, especially on your search for a wife. I believe when the right time comes, you will meet her. Its all Qada and qadar. fated. There will be someone nice out there for u. It is U who is getting married...not others.
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