Chapter 21: Faith, Hope and Love
While I have not gone through what Rafee went through, I still feel so much for him. He is a friend to me, and we shared so much in our lives. When he began toshare his story with me, I walked with him everysingle step of his harrowing journey. It hurt me as much as it hurt him. As I retraced his steps with him,I felt all his pain, anguish, weeping, sadness and sheer depression. I was seeing a life being destroyedright in front of my eyes.
When I was in Jeddah last year in 2004, a family friend shared with my mom about how her daughter wasfondled under the table by the Islamic preacher, as she would recite the Quran. Another friend shared his story with me as his driver abused him within the fourwalls of his home (all the more reason to allow womento drive for themselves so kids don’t have to dependon drivers!) Another friend shared how she was abused when she was seven in Jeddah. I just could not believe my ears as I heard their stories. There were similar patterns to Rafee’s story. Their incidents happened over-time, and within the four walls of their house. They were threatened too. They stayed quiet because itwas a shameful thing to talk about. It became too latewhen their past caught up with them, they were forced to share their stories with someone.
Today, I feel for the kids who are orphans or go through a difficult time in their lives with certain handicaps. I have a special place in my heart for kids who suffer from hearing loss. Although I am an architect now, I know for sure when the right time comes, I will be dedicating my time to such kind of kids. I know I will end up working in an orphanage, or a center for abused children. Life to me is not about money, possessions or wealth. It is about serving others. I know I will receive a lot of flak and nastycomments for this, but it’s my life, and I will dowith it what I feel has been placed on my heart byGod.
Rafee’s story is a personal story for me and I don’twant kids like him to go through such times of abuse. I know I may not be able to save all the kids out there, but I know I can make a difference to the kidsI come in contact with. I made a difference in Rafee’s life, and I know I can make a difference in otherpeople’s lives.
All Rafee needed in his life were Faith, Hope and Loveto heal, and if he can heal, so can the others.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Chapter TWENTY
Chapter 20: Rafee Today
At times I could relate to Rafee because at times I have gone through verbal abuse, and I know what it feels like when other people call you names and make fun of you. You feel used. You feel like a piece of filth. As a 10 year old you don’t understand all that, but once you grow up, you realize that the comments the other kids made were immature and wrong. I know how mean it is for other kids to call names and make fun of you. I wish I had the power to take away the mean so the other kids don’t go through such kind of abuse. These few kids who are hell bent on making life miserable for others exists even in high schools. Bullying, name-calling, making fun are part of almost every school, although it varies from school to school. I remember in 11th grade when a bunch of guys wanted to harass a Chinese girl in my class. They had been calling her names and throwing spit balls at her in class all the times. I did not like what they were doing, and instead of telling them to stop I did something else. I became best friends with that Chinese girl, and once I did that, the harassment stopped. I received a lot of flak from the other kids, but I didn’t care.
I am sure you all are thinking: so where is Rafee today?
He is at that point of his life where he picking up the pieces of his shattered life. As he looks back on his life, he sees how much he has gone through. Right from his first experience at the age of ten, the fears, through to Mr. Khalid, to his eventual downfall, right to his panic attacks and near-hallucinations to his eventual recovery. He is making huge progress in his healing process. Rafee is thankful that he has been privileged enough to seek help, medication, counseling and all. He often thinks about the poorer kids in the poorer countries, who are forced into sex, traumatized, child soldiers, child prostitution, children being sold for money and so on, and realizes how good God has been to him to help him heal. When he thinks of such children, he realizes that his problem, although a big one, is something that he can handle. It’s not the end of the world for him.
One particular dream Rafee would have repeatedly is where he would be in his house, and Abdul and Mr. Khalid would be attempting to break into the house. They would break the windows at time, other time they would break in through the main door. They would try to come in through the kitchen door, through the roof, through any other ways possible. When they would finally enter the house, Rafee would be running around in the house, with these men after him. Rafee would try to install locks on windows and doors, but they would still break these locks.
As he worked through his sessions, and began to heal, Rafee shared with me one of his last dreams. In this one, Rafee was very successful in keeping Abdul and Mr. Khalid at bay. They were not able to enter his house. After banging on the main door and trying to break the window like ravaged madmen, these men would eventually leave. Rafee took great comfort in this dream because it signified to him that these men don’t control his life any longer. He is free from bondage.
When I asked Rafee if he has any regrets in his life, or whether he wishes he could go back into the past and change something. He said that he has no regrets, and if there were something he could change, it would of course be that Abdul had not laid his hands on him. Somehow, Rafee thinks all things happen for a reason, and in a weird way, he is glad that he went through this crap as it made him a stronger-willed, mature and wiser person today. His past events have shaped him into the person he is today. He learnt how to take all the bad things and change it for the good.
What would Rafee do today if he met Abdul or Mr. Khalid today? Would he hit them? Kill them? No. He would tell them that he has forgiven them, and that he harbors no ill feelings towards them. That’s what Rafee would do.
Rafee also recognized that having faith in God, and having Hope in life is what ultimately led him on his path to healing and recovery. He carries his booklet with him everywhere. The unconditional and un-biased love from his parents also helped him tremendously. However, his strongest support in life comes from that vision of the man who told him, “don’t be afraid.”
At times I could relate to Rafee because at times I have gone through verbal abuse, and I know what it feels like when other people call you names and make fun of you. You feel used. You feel like a piece of filth. As a 10 year old you don’t understand all that, but once you grow up, you realize that the comments the other kids made were immature and wrong. I know how mean it is for other kids to call names and make fun of you. I wish I had the power to take away the mean so the other kids don’t go through such kind of abuse. These few kids who are hell bent on making life miserable for others exists even in high schools. Bullying, name-calling, making fun are part of almost every school, although it varies from school to school. I remember in 11th grade when a bunch of guys wanted to harass a Chinese girl in my class. They had been calling her names and throwing spit balls at her in class all the times. I did not like what they were doing, and instead of telling them to stop I did something else. I became best friends with that Chinese girl, and once I did that, the harassment stopped. I received a lot of flak from the other kids, but I didn’t care.
I am sure you all are thinking: so where is Rafee today?
He is at that point of his life where he picking up the pieces of his shattered life. As he looks back on his life, he sees how much he has gone through. Right from his first experience at the age of ten, the fears, through to Mr. Khalid, to his eventual downfall, right to his panic attacks and near-hallucinations to his eventual recovery. He is making huge progress in his healing process. Rafee is thankful that he has been privileged enough to seek help, medication, counseling and all. He often thinks about the poorer kids in the poorer countries, who are forced into sex, traumatized, child soldiers, child prostitution, children being sold for money and so on, and realizes how good God has been to him to help him heal. When he thinks of such children, he realizes that his problem, although a big one, is something that he can handle. It’s not the end of the world for him.
One particular dream Rafee would have repeatedly is where he would be in his house, and Abdul and Mr. Khalid would be attempting to break into the house. They would break the windows at time, other time they would break in through the main door. They would try to come in through the kitchen door, through the roof, through any other ways possible. When they would finally enter the house, Rafee would be running around in the house, with these men after him. Rafee would try to install locks on windows and doors, but they would still break these locks.
As he worked through his sessions, and began to heal, Rafee shared with me one of his last dreams. In this one, Rafee was very successful in keeping Abdul and Mr. Khalid at bay. They were not able to enter his house. After banging on the main door and trying to break the window like ravaged madmen, these men would eventually leave. Rafee took great comfort in this dream because it signified to him that these men don’t control his life any longer. He is free from bondage.
When I asked Rafee if he has any regrets in his life, or whether he wishes he could go back into the past and change something. He said that he has no regrets, and if there were something he could change, it would of course be that Abdul had not laid his hands on him. Somehow, Rafee thinks all things happen for a reason, and in a weird way, he is glad that he went through this crap as it made him a stronger-willed, mature and wiser person today. His past events have shaped him into the person he is today. He learnt how to take all the bad things and change it for the good.
What would Rafee do today if he met Abdul or Mr. Khalid today? Would he hit them? Kill them? No. He would tell them that he has forgiven them, and that he harbors no ill feelings towards them. That’s what Rafee would do.
Rafee also recognized that having faith in God, and having Hope in life is what ultimately led him on his path to healing and recovery. He carries his booklet with him everywhere. The unconditional and un-biased love from his parents also helped him tremendously. However, his strongest support in life comes from that vision of the man who told him, “don’t be afraid.”
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Chapter NINETEEN
Chapter 19: Repercussions
While Rafee was debating hard whether his story should be heard by others not, he came to realize that if he didn’t, he would have to bear the serious repercussions. His abuse has affected his whole life, taking control of his thoughts and his life. So, in order to start fighting the battle, Rafee had to let it out of his mind, and he did just that with me, his parents and eventually to the counselor, and now to you all.
Already, he comes from a culture that does not talk about such things. Even his parents today don’t want him to discuss with anyone about it. When a woman is raped, she is looked at differently. When a woman is divorced, she is treated differently. When a guy is raped and abused, people “will” look at him as if something were wrong with him. Generally speaking people think of a victim of abuse as a “lesser” human being. It’s the judgmental attitudes of people and this attitude needs to be changed into an attitude of acceptance and tolerance.
If he hadn’t talked it out with anyone, Rafee would have continued living his life convinced that everything was his fault. That would have meant continuous shame, guilt and fear, for no fault of his own. Rafee would have been unfairly blaming himself for something he did not do. His health could no doubt have suffered for the worse with such feelings. Maybe more serious issues like severe depression or suicidal thoughts could have made him take his life.
The idea of marriage would have been another hurdle to cross. Should he tell anything about his abuse to his wife before marriage? Or after? Would it be unfair for the wife to know later and not sooner? Would he be able to have kids? Will he be in a stable, loving relationship? Will he able to communicate successfully with his wife? Will he able to successfully develop a relationship?
If Rafee has kids of his own, will he be able to deal with that? How will he behave with his kids? Rafee has hinted to me several times he doesn’t want kids, because the world is cruel enough. He thinks about adoption as that will be his way of helping the unfortunate children. So, as you can see, his abuse has affected his whole way of thinking and living a life based on lies.
One of the more commonly heard theories is that those kids who are abused often end up abusing other kids when they grow up, especially male kids. Numerous studies have been conducted which have shown that the perpetrators themselves grew up in an abusive home. While this theory is quite common, it doesn’t always hold true. Almost in all cases, the perpetrators have been male, while the victims are mostly females.
There could be so many reasons why perpetrators would abuse a kid. Some of these include:
1. The perpetrators themselves were abused when they were young
2. The perpetrators have a dominant personality- want to overpower the young through sexual acts
3. The perpetrators may have rage/ pain inside them which they don’t know how to express
4. The perpetrators may have been deprived of any love/ affection while growing up and seek to fulfill that in having sex with kids
5. The perpetrators could be frustrated sexually
6. The perpetrators could be homosexual/ bisexual seeking sex by forcing kids
So while there are many reasons for why sexual abuse takes place, does it always mean that the abused kid would grow up to do the same? I don’t believe that will be the case with every kid. Unfortunately, those kids who don’t seek help, will in effect turn to do the same thing to kids when they grow up because their mind has been conditioned to do so and they don’t know how to deal with their inner turmoil.
Rafee’s first sexual encounters unfortunately happened with a man. In his puberty years, as he grew and developed his body, he had confused feelings. His mind had associated sex with men as a feeling of pleasure. He got into masturbation because he saw Abdul do it. He would masturbate over pictures of athletic men because his mind associated pleasure with Mr. Khalid, the gym trainer with an athletic body. If none of this had happened, Rafee’s thinking and actions would have been completely different.
Some people can further elaborate that male kids who are abused can turn out to be homosexuals. This again is wrong. It would be wrong to say that just because Rafee’s first sexual encounters happened with men, that he is gay. If a male abused a male kid, that doesn’t mean he is gay. A person becomes a gay when he makes a declaration, a choice, that he wants to be gay. Rafee was asked by his counselor as a take-home question: if you saw two bedrooms, one with a man on bed, another with a woman on bed, which one would you choose to go to? Rafee thought hard about it, and the next session, he answered: the one with the woman. So that showed that while Rafee had feelings or attraction for the same sex, it’s because he’s been conditioned that way while growing up.
Deep inside Rafee, there was something in him that made him want to fix himself. He always knew this was wrong, but was captivated by these men into staying silent. Rafee knew it was wrong but he chose to hit back at Abdul, and also to end his meetings with Mr. Khalid. So, in his subconscious mind, he knew very well that what was happening was wrong. It’s amazing how God has put in all of us this sense of conscience, this sense of right and wrong.
Rafee needs to go a long way now. As it is, he is handling and battling his battles one at a time. Right now, his battles have just been half won.
While Rafee was debating hard whether his story should be heard by others not, he came to realize that if he didn’t, he would have to bear the serious repercussions. His abuse has affected his whole life, taking control of his thoughts and his life. So, in order to start fighting the battle, Rafee had to let it out of his mind, and he did just that with me, his parents and eventually to the counselor, and now to you all.
Already, he comes from a culture that does not talk about such things. Even his parents today don’t want him to discuss with anyone about it. When a woman is raped, she is looked at differently. When a woman is divorced, she is treated differently. When a guy is raped and abused, people “will” look at him as if something were wrong with him. Generally speaking people think of a victim of abuse as a “lesser” human being. It’s the judgmental attitudes of people and this attitude needs to be changed into an attitude of acceptance and tolerance.
If he hadn’t talked it out with anyone, Rafee would have continued living his life convinced that everything was his fault. That would have meant continuous shame, guilt and fear, for no fault of his own. Rafee would have been unfairly blaming himself for something he did not do. His health could no doubt have suffered for the worse with such feelings. Maybe more serious issues like severe depression or suicidal thoughts could have made him take his life.
The idea of marriage would have been another hurdle to cross. Should he tell anything about his abuse to his wife before marriage? Or after? Would it be unfair for the wife to know later and not sooner? Would he be able to have kids? Will he be in a stable, loving relationship? Will he able to communicate successfully with his wife? Will he able to successfully develop a relationship?
If Rafee has kids of his own, will he be able to deal with that? How will he behave with his kids? Rafee has hinted to me several times he doesn’t want kids, because the world is cruel enough. He thinks about adoption as that will be his way of helping the unfortunate children. So, as you can see, his abuse has affected his whole way of thinking and living a life based on lies.
One of the more commonly heard theories is that those kids who are abused often end up abusing other kids when they grow up, especially male kids. Numerous studies have been conducted which have shown that the perpetrators themselves grew up in an abusive home. While this theory is quite common, it doesn’t always hold true. Almost in all cases, the perpetrators have been male, while the victims are mostly females.
There could be so many reasons why perpetrators would abuse a kid. Some of these include:
1. The perpetrators themselves were abused when they were young
2. The perpetrators have a dominant personality- want to overpower the young through sexual acts
3. The perpetrators may have rage/ pain inside them which they don’t know how to express
4. The perpetrators may have been deprived of any love/ affection while growing up and seek to fulfill that in having sex with kids
5. The perpetrators could be frustrated sexually
6. The perpetrators could be homosexual/ bisexual seeking sex by forcing kids
So while there are many reasons for why sexual abuse takes place, does it always mean that the abused kid would grow up to do the same? I don’t believe that will be the case with every kid. Unfortunately, those kids who don’t seek help, will in effect turn to do the same thing to kids when they grow up because their mind has been conditioned to do so and they don’t know how to deal with their inner turmoil.
Rafee’s first sexual encounters unfortunately happened with a man. In his puberty years, as he grew and developed his body, he had confused feelings. His mind had associated sex with men as a feeling of pleasure. He got into masturbation because he saw Abdul do it. He would masturbate over pictures of athletic men because his mind associated pleasure with Mr. Khalid, the gym trainer with an athletic body. If none of this had happened, Rafee’s thinking and actions would have been completely different.
Some people can further elaborate that male kids who are abused can turn out to be homosexuals. This again is wrong. It would be wrong to say that just because Rafee’s first sexual encounters happened with men, that he is gay. If a male abused a male kid, that doesn’t mean he is gay. A person becomes a gay when he makes a declaration, a choice, that he wants to be gay. Rafee was asked by his counselor as a take-home question: if you saw two bedrooms, one with a man on bed, another with a woman on bed, which one would you choose to go to? Rafee thought hard about it, and the next session, he answered: the one with the woman. So that showed that while Rafee had feelings or attraction for the same sex, it’s because he’s been conditioned that way while growing up.
Deep inside Rafee, there was something in him that made him want to fix himself. He always knew this was wrong, but was captivated by these men into staying silent. Rafee knew it was wrong but he chose to hit back at Abdul, and also to end his meetings with Mr. Khalid. So, in his subconscious mind, he knew very well that what was happening was wrong. It’s amazing how God has put in all of us this sense of conscience, this sense of right and wrong.
Rafee needs to go a long way now. As it is, he is handling and battling his battles one at a time. Right now, his battles have just been half won.
Chapter EIGHTEEN
Chapter 18: Sexual Abuse
Gulf News Tabloid covered Child Abuse as their cover story on Sunday July 31 2005. It could not have been a timelier article as it addresses the concerns of the society here in the UAE. It is basically an interview with a counselor who has worked with such cases for more than 10 years in Dubai. I will summarize the main ideas from that article.
So what defines sexual abuse? Sexual abuse is an international crime that occurs when an adult or adolescent uses a child for sexual purposes. This involves exposing a child to any sexual activities or behavior and most often involves fondling and may include inviting a child to touch or be touched sexually.
Unfortunately, in Asian societies people tend to avoid uncomfortable issues and so not all cases are reported, which is why statistics are not entirely accurate. However World Health Organization reports that one out of ten children are being abused at any given time. That is a scary statistic. The figure could be higher if all cases were reported. The highest number of incidents takes place within the four walls of a supposedly secure home.
Which leads us to the fact that because cases go unreported, it is difficult to identify potential perpetrators. It could be someone in the family or a complete stranger, but because children find it difficult to talk about it, the abusers are free from any danger. Most adults and children are reluctant to report such a crime, and it is this silence, which allows for more abuses to take place.
There are some signs to see in a child should he or she be an abuse victim. Depression, anxiety, poor performance in school, withdrawn and afflicting self-injuries are just some signs. Usually there is guilt and shame involved stemming from the victim’s mind that he or she might have invited attention unto themselves, leading them into self-shame and pity.
The parents need to keep their channels very open towards the children. They need to maintain a very loving and caring attitude, and keep open communications, so should the kid want to talk about anything else, the kid will not be hesitant.
However, the worst case is when a child is abused by a family member, as that is the ultimate betrayal and trust of a loved one and could scar the child for the rest of his/ her life. However, the family support system is the greatest thing a child would need should the child choose to share his/ her story. It becomes important for the family members to believe in the story of the abuse and to not brush it off lightly. A child can recover from abuse, and can lead a successful life, should the child be given the support from his family.
Last year in Jeddah, for the first time a conference was held at the hospital regarding cases of sexual abuses in children in Saudi Arabia. Obviously the figures were very little, and that was because majority of the cases go unreported, which is understandable. People don’t want their families’ name and honor tarnished with sexual abuse. Many kids don’t talk about it out of fear, shame and guilt. If only these kids had information to help them understand that they are not guilty and that help is available. This conference was the first one, and hopefully as more awareness is spread, more kids can seek help in private.
Rafee unfortunately chose to keep his secret to himself for 15 years. The past had to catch up with him, and when it did, it grabbed him by his throat and made his life miserable. He was glad to have told his parents, as that was his greatest relief. He still tells me that when he told me his story for the first time, he just felt so relaxed in his mind and heart.
At the end of the day, the evil cannot be obliterated overnight, but it can be prevented and information is the best ammunition for arresting this social menace that transcends cultures, nationalities, genders and ages.
Gulf News Tabloid covered Child Abuse as their cover story on Sunday July 31 2005. It could not have been a timelier article as it addresses the concerns of the society here in the UAE. It is basically an interview with a counselor who has worked with such cases for more than 10 years in Dubai. I will summarize the main ideas from that article.
So what defines sexual abuse? Sexual abuse is an international crime that occurs when an adult or adolescent uses a child for sexual purposes. This involves exposing a child to any sexual activities or behavior and most often involves fondling and may include inviting a child to touch or be touched sexually.
Unfortunately, in Asian societies people tend to avoid uncomfortable issues and so not all cases are reported, which is why statistics are not entirely accurate. However World Health Organization reports that one out of ten children are being abused at any given time. That is a scary statistic. The figure could be higher if all cases were reported. The highest number of incidents takes place within the four walls of a supposedly secure home.
Which leads us to the fact that because cases go unreported, it is difficult to identify potential perpetrators. It could be someone in the family or a complete stranger, but because children find it difficult to talk about it, the abusers are free from any danger. Most adults and children are reluctant to report such a crime, and it is this silence, which allows for more abuses to take place.
There are some signs to see in a child should he or she be an abuse victim. Depression, anxiety, poor performance in school, withdrawn and afflicting self-injuries are just some signs. Usually there is guilt and shame involved stemming from the victim’s mind that he or she might have invited attention unto themselves, leading them into self-shame and pity.
The parents need to keep their channels very open towards the children. They need to maintain a very loving and caring attitude, and keep open communications, so should the kid want to talk about anything else, the kid will not be hesitant.
However, the worst case is when a child is abused by a family member, as that is the ultimate betrayal and trust of a loved one and could scar the child for the rest of his/ her life. However, the family support system is the greatest thing a child would need should the child choose to share his/ her story. It becomes important for the family members to believe in the story of the abuse and to not brush it off lightly. A child can recover from abuse, and can lead a successful life, should the child be given the support from his family.
Last year in Jeddah, for the first time a conference was held at the hospital regarding cases of sexual abuses in children in Saudi Arabia. Obviously the figures were very little, and that was because majority of the cases go unreported, which is understandable. People don’t want their families’ name and honor tarnished with sexual abuse. Many kids don’t talk about it out of fear, shame and guilt. If only these kids had information to help them understand that they are not guilty and that help is available. This conference was the first one, and hopefully as more awareness is spread, more kids can seek help in private.
Rafee unfortunately chose to keep his secret to himself for 15 years. The past had to catch up with him, and when it did, it grabbed him by his throat and made his life miserable. He was glad to have told his parents, as that was his greatest relief. He still tells me that when he told me his story for the first time, he just felt so relaxed in his mind and heart.
At the end of the day, the evil cannot be obliterated overnight, but it can be prevented and information is the best ammunition for arresting this social menace that transcends cultures, nationalities, genders and ages.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Chpater SEVENTEEN
Chapter 17: The Vision
As Rafee embarked on his path to recovery, he was still being challenged by his old way of thinking. He would still be crushed by his painful past. Although his disclosure to his parents was a huge relief, he still felt troubled. He carried that small booklet with him, and would read it every time he felt discouraged or depressed. One particular phrase stuck in his mind, and he started to believe in it. He would read it over and over till he felt comfort and peace in his heart.
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
One particular night, Rafee had another terrible nightmare. Thankfully he always woke up before Abdul or Mr. Khalid could abuse him in his dream. He just lay down there on his bed, in complete silence, not knowing what to do. He took out his personal organizer, and pulled out the small booklet, and started to read it. He convinced himself that God did indeed have a plan for his life, a plan to prosper, and to give him a future and a hope. He repeated this thought in his mind again and again till he dozed off.
Suddenly, Rafee felt a tapping on his shoulder. He opened his eyes just wide enough to see that it was not morning yet. Oh no, why did I have to wake up again, he thought. Again, there was a tapping on his right shoulder. Rafee became scared. Is it Abdul and Mr. Khalid? His heart began to beat fast. I am dreaming, he told himself. Rafee opened his eyes, and turned around to see who it was tapping on his shoulder.
He saw a strong, firm hand on his shoulder, holding it in a firm grip. His eyes went from the man’s hand, up his arm, shoulder and eventually to his face. Rafee’s eyes were fixed on this man standing in his room. The room had suddenly become very bright. The man was wearing an off-white robe, full-sleeved. He could clearly tell it was made of sheep-skin (a shepherd maybe?). He held a staff in his other hand. Rafee aimed to look closer at this man’s face. He had shoulder-length, dark brown hair. They were wet, as if this man had just taken a shower. Rafee could also smell a strong aroma, a strong incense of flowers emanating from this man. No matter how hard Rafee tried, he just could not see the face very clearly. Then, he heard something.
“Don’t be afraid,” the man said. His voice was gentle yet firm. He spoke with a sense of authoritativeness. Rafee heard those words very clearly.
Rafee quickly shook his head, and the man disappeared. Rafee could still feel the sensation of the man’s touch on his right shoulder. He could still smell the sweet aroma. He jumped out of bed. There was no one in his room. He sat back on his bed, and wondered who the man was. He picked up the book next to him, and read the passage again, ““For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
For the first time in his life, Rafee was able to sleep for the longest of time, peacefully.
As Rafee embarked on his path to recovery, he was still being challenged by his old way of thinking. He would still be crushed by his painful past. Although his disclosure to his parents was a huge relief, he still felt troubled. He carried that small booklet with him, and would read it every time he felt discouraged or depressed. One particular phrase stuck in his mind, and he started to believe in it. He would read it over and over till he felt comfort and peace in his heart.
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
One particular night, Rafee had another terrible nightmare. Thankfully he always woke up before Abdul or Mr. Khalid could abuse him in his dream. He just lay down there on his bed, in complete silence, not knowing what to do. He took out his personal organizer, and pulled out the small booklet, and started to read it. He convinced himself that God did indeed have a plan for his life, a plan to prosper, and to give him a future and a hope. He repeated this thought in his mind again and again till he dozed off.
Suddenly, Rafee felt a tapping on his shoulder. He opened his eyes just wide enough to see that it was not morning yet. Oh no, why did I have to wake up again, he thought. Again, there was a tapping on his right shoulder. Rafee became scared. Is it Abdul and Mr. Khalid? His heart began to beat fast. I am dreaming, he told himself. Rafee opened his eyes, and turned around to see who it was tapping on his shoulder.
He saw a strong, firm hand on his shoulder, holding it in a firm grip. His eyes went from the man’s hand, up his arm, shoulder and eventually to his face. Rafee’s eyes were fixed on this man standing in his room. The room had suddenly become very bright. The man was wearing an off-white robe, full-sleeved. He could clearly tell it was made of sheep-skin (a shepherd maybe?). He held a staff in his other hand. Rafee aimed to look closer at this man’s face. He had shoulder-length, dark brown hair. They were wet, as if this man had just taken a shower. Rafee could also smell a strong aroma, a strong incense of flowers emanating from this man. No matter how hard Rafee tried, he just could not see the face very clearly. Then, he heard something.
“Don’t be afraid,” the man said. His voice was gentle yet firm. He spoke with a sense of authoritativeness. Rafee heard those words very clearly.
Rafee quickly shook his head, and the man disappeared. Rafee could still feel the sensation of the man’s touch on his right shoulder. He could still smell the sweet aroma. He jumped out of bed. There was no one in his room. He sat back on his bed, and wondered who the man was. He picked up the book next to him, and read the passage again, ““For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
For the first time in his life, Rafee was able to sleep for the longest of time, peacefully.
Chapter SIXTEEN
Chapter 16: Forgiveness
One of the things Rafee had to do to move on with his life was to forgive his abusers. That was something I had a difficult time understanding. How could Rafee so easily forgive the people who damaged his life? How could he simply let them go so easily? It’s like letting go of a murderer who just killed your best friend.
Rafee explained to me that he needed to forgive them. He needed to forgive them because otherwise he would continue to harbor anger and resentment for his whole life, making him feel miserable. He had to forgive them because he would then be able to break the chains that connected him to them. In order to move on with his life, to avoid such feelings of resentment, he had to let go of his ill feelings towards his abusers. And to do that, he forgave them.
Initially I was in shock at his reaction, but as he explained to me in details, I began to understand his motives and reason for doing such a thing. I don’t know if I would be strong enough to do this. Rafee certainly was. I mean, imagine forgiving someone who has abused you? We don’t forgive people who torture us, do we?
Rafee showed me that small booklet which he carries till this day, and he said that the woman in the book had to forgive her father who had abused her, in order for her to heal. He showed me a passage in the book, which talked about “loving and forgiving your enemies,” which the woman used to her advantage. That’s a radical teaching, and honestly, when Rafee forgave his perpetrators and began to see them as people with disturbed behavioral patterns, Rafee was able to move on with his life.
Rafee was confronted with mixed issues within Islam. There was little or no information of what Islam had to say about sexual abuse. Usually it is brushed over. Rafee had faith in God, but he needed answers. He felt cheated by God. Why didn’t God intervene and protect 10 year-old Rafee from being abused? Why wasn’t there any peace in his life? Why didn’t Rafee hear anything from God, as he would seek help from God in Mecca? Why didn’t Rafee find peace in his heart as he fasted during Ramadan? Why didn’t Rafee get any answers from God when he would weep during his night prayers?
At the most, whatever little information he found on sexual abuses from an Islamic perspective was of a condemning nature, and he remembered how the teacher gave that kid a long lecture at the Islamic school. He even sent questions to the religious section in the local newspaper couple of time, with no word back from them. Why deny such a thing? Is it too shameful to publish such an issue? Rafee was forced to seek help elsewhere.
He found peace in that small booklet, in particular to one verse that said, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” And that is what Rafee began to develop: Hope. Hope to successfully heal himself. Hope to help others who don’t have hope. Hope to make a difference in lives of abuse victims. Hope to move on. Hope to heal. Hope to live.
One of the things Rafee had to do to move on with his life was to forgive his abusers. That was something I had a difficult time understanding. How could Rafee so easily forgive the people who damaged his life? How could he simply let them go so easily? It’s like letting go of a murderer who just killed your best friend.
Rafee explained to me that he needed to forgive them. He needed to forgive them because otherwise he would continue to harbor anger and resentment for his whole life, making him feel miserable. He had to forgive them because he would then be able to break the chains that connected him to them. In order to move on with his life, to avoid such feelings of resentment, he had to let go of his ill feelings towards his abusers. And to do that, he forgave them.
Initially I was in shock at his reaction, but as he explained to me in details, I began to understand his motives and reason for doing such a thing. I don’t know if I would be strong enough to do this. Rafee certainly was. I mean, imagine forgiving someone who has abused you? We don’t forgive people who torture us, do we?
Rafee showed me that small booklet which he carries till this day, and he said that the woman in the book had to forgive her father who had abused her, in order for her to heal. He showed me a passage in the book, which talked about “loving and forgiving your enemies,” which the woman used to her advantage. That’s a radical teaching, and honestly, when Rafee forgave his perpetrators and began to see them as people with disturbed behavioral patterns, Rafee was able to move on with his life.
Rafee was confronted with mixed issues within Islam. There was little or no information of what Islam had to say about sexual abuse. Usually it is brushed over. Rafee had faith in God, but he needed answers. He felt cheated by God. Why didn’t God intervene and protect 10 year-old Rafee from being abused? Why wasn’t there any peace in his life? Why didn’t Rafee hear anything from God, as he would seek help from God in Mecca? Why didn’t Rafee find peace in his heart as he fasted during Ramadan? Why didn’t Rafee get any answers from God when he would weep during his night prayers?
At the most, whatever little information he found on sexual abuses from an Islamic perspective was of a condemning nature, and he remembered how the teacher gave that kid a long lecture at the Islamic school. He even sent questions to the religious section in the local newspaper couple of time, with no word back from them. Why deny such a thing? Is it too shameful to publish such an issue? Rafee was forced to seek help elsewhere.
He found peace in that small booklet, in particular to one verse that said, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” And that is what Rafee began to develop: Hope. Hope to successfully heal himself. Hope to help others who don’t have hope. Hope to make a difference in lives of abuse victims. Hope to move on. Hope to heal. Hope to live.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Chapter FIFTEEN
Chapter 15: Counseling
Over the next year and a half, Rafee went through four different counselors, but his favorite was a Saudi female psychotherapist in Jeddah. The first session with her went so amazingly well that Rafee was actually feeling better about himself. If only there were such options available to him earlier.
While I won’t go into the what happened in the sessions, I will give you a brief idea of some of the things talked about that helped Rafee deal with his situation.
---> The key thing Rafee had to realize was that he was a 10-year-old boy, who had no knowledge about right and wrong. So it was wrong of Rafee to blame himself for his being abused. Rafee had to see his life story as an outsider, and once he started doing that, the blame began to shift away from Rafee to the perpetrators. Rafee had to tell his story over and over again, but he had to detach himself emotionally from the 10-year-old boy. This way, he was able to see his story from a different angle and understand it better.
---> As much hurtful as it was, Rafee had to absolutetly try to remember as much as he could, and share it with his psycho-therapist, because he needed to bring everything that bugged him out on the table. This way, he could tackel every little issue, deal with it, and then package that issue in a box and seal it. If he only dealt with issues partially, they would have re-surfaced at a later time.
--->The key emotions Rafee had at the beginning was: Guilt, Fear, Pleasure and Anger. These emotions were inter-connected with one another. He honestly felt pleasure of sorts, which led him to feel extremely guilty because he thinks he took part in the act consensually. Because he felt guilty, he felt anger, and fear. At the beginning, he gave a level of percentage to each of these four emotions. Guilt: 90%; Fear: 90%; Pleasure: 80%, Anger: 30%. As he worked through his issues, he began seeing things from a different perspective. His level of guilt towards himself decreased, as well as his fear and pleasure. His level of anger towards the perpetrators rose, as understood that he was a victim. His emotions were initially directed towards himself, but later, through a transformation of his mind, these emotions were re-directed towards his perpetrators.
However, the most revealing thing Rafee learned from his counselor was that there were loads of other cases here in Jeddah of young boys and girls being abused in all forms, sexually, physical, emotional and mental. I won’t give out the figures, but Rafee told me that there are high cases of sexual abuses in the city, according to the psychotherapist, who said almost all of her cases are regarding abuses in all forms. She saw about 70 such cases per week, and almost all of them were kids who were abused, and now dealing with their past as adults. When Rafee told this to me, I knew the problem definitely existed on a larger scale. It certainly wasn’t a small-scale problem. It’s bad enough the country doesn’t have any outlet for abused kids. Rafee himself made friends with another Saudi, a teenager, who was suffering from the same ordeal. They met in the waiting room at the hospital.
As much as I wanted to deny this, I began wondering why such a thing would happen here. Sexual abuse is a worldwide problem and is not something restricted to the Western world or to the Middle East. It is a universal issue, and most often, the victims suppress their ordeal. Rafee would share with me his sessions with the counselor, and it was simply amazing to see his transformation of his mind and will. If I had more time and space here, I would have gone into the some of the more revealing facts about typical cases in Jeddah.
One day, he came in and told me something.
"Mansur, I took a major step today."
"What is it?" I asked.
"I have forgiven Abdul and Mr. Khalid in my heart. I know they did something horrible, but I have forgiven them in my heart."
"So like, wow....I can't believe you just said that." I said.
"Well, honestly, if I were to see them face to face today, instead of trying to kill them, I would tell them that I forgive them. I am sure they had some issues in their lives. I am sure something must have happened to them to behave this way. Of course, that doesn't justify their actions, but yeah, I have forgiven them....."
My jaw could not have dropped any lower.
Over the next year and a half, Rafee went through four different counselors, but his favorite was a Saudi female psychotherapist in Jeddah. The first session with her went so amazingly well that Rafee was actually feeling better about himself. If only there were such options available to him earlier.
While I won’t go into the what happened in the sessions, I will give you a brief idea of some of the things talked about that helped Rafee deal with his situation.
---> The key thing Rafee had to realize was that he was a 10-year-old boy, who had no knowledge about right and wrong. So it was wrong of Rafee to blame himself for his being abused. Rafee had to see his life story as an outsider, and once he started doing that, the blame began to shift away from Rafee to the perpetrators. Rafee had to tell his story over and over again, but he had to detach himself emotionally from the 10-year-old boy. This way, he was able to see his story from a different angle and understand it better.
---> As much hurtful as it was, Rafee had to absolutetly try to remember as much as he could, and share it with his psycho-therapist, because he needed to bring everything that bugged him out on the table. This way, he could tackel every little issue, deal with it, and then package that issue in a box and seal it. If he only dealt with issues partially, they would have re-surfaced at a later time.
--->The key emotions Rafee had at the beginning was: Guilt, Fear, Pleasure and Anger. These emotions were inter-connected with one another. He honestly felt pleasure of sorts, which led him to feel extremely guilty because he thinks he took part in the act consensually. Because he felt guilty, he felt anger, and fear. At the beginning, he gave a level of percentage to each of these four emotions. Guilt: 90%; Fear: 90%; Pleasure: 80%, Anger: 30%. As he worked through his issues, he began seeing things from a different perspective. His level of guilt towards himself decreased, as well as his fear and pleasure. His level of anger towards the perpetrators rose, as understood that he was a victim. His emotions were initially directed towards himself, but later, through a transformation of his mind, these emotions were re-directed towards his perpetrators.
However, the most revealing thing Rafee learned from his counselor was that there were loads of other cases here in Jeddah of young boys and girls being abused in all forms, sexually, physical, emotional and mental. I won’t give out the figures, but Rafee told me that there are high cases of sexual abuses in the city, according to the psychotherapist, who said almost all of her cases are regarding abuses in all forms. She saw about 70 such cases per week, and almost all of them were kids who were abused, and now dealing with their past as adults. When Rafee told this to me, I knew the problem definitely existed on a larger scale. It certainly wasn’t a small-scale problem. It’s bad enough the country doesn’t have any outlet for abused kids. Rafee himself made friends with another Saudi, a teenager, who was suffering from the same ordeal. They met in the waiting room at the hospital.
As much as I wanted to deny this, I began wondering why such a thing would happen here. Sexual abuse is a worldwide problem and is not something restricted to the Western world or to the Middle East. It is a universal issue, and most often, the victims suppress their ordeal. Rafee would share with me his sessions with the counselor, and it was simply amazing to see his transformation of his mind and will. If I had more time and space here, I would have gone into the some of the more revealing facts about typical cases in Jeddah.
One day, he came in and told me something.
"Mansur, I took a major step today."
"What is it?" I asked.
"I have forgiven Abdul and Mr. Khalid in my heart. I know they did something horrible, but I have forgiven them in my heart."
"So like, wow....I can't believe you just said that." I said.
"Well, honestly, if I were to see them face to face today, instead of trying to kill them, I would tell them that I forgive them. I am sure they had some issues in their lives. I am sure something must have happened to them to behave this way. Of course, that doesn't justify their actions, but yeah, I have forgiven them....."
My jaw could not have dropped any lower.
Chapter FOURTEEN
Chapter 14: Parents
2003 Summer, Jeddah.
Rafee finally gathered his courage to tell his parents one day. He flew into Jeddah from the UK for his summer break. He met his mom and dad at the airport. He was torn whether he should tell them now or the next summer break. The ride home was awkward, and his mom asked him what the matter was. Rafee lied and told them that nothing was the matter.
Rafee was in turmoil. He did not know if he should tell now or not. He battled with his previous thoughts of shame and fear. What if my parents don’t like me? What if I am rejected? What if they blame me? Rafee was so distracted he did not even realize they got home.
Entering the living room, his mom finally asked him what the matter was. Mothers always have the instinct to know when things are not right with their children.
Before anything, Rafee just sat in silence. He then spoke up as his parents were wondering with anxiety. He asked them if they remembered the house they shifted to which had the swimming pool. His mom nodded. He then told them directly: I was sexually abused in that house.
What followed were a roller coaster of emotions and feelings as Rafee poured out his story to his mom and dad. His dad however could not bear to listen to the whole thing and left mid way. Rafee noticed that, and as much as he wanted for his dad to listen to his story, he understood that his dad doesn't know how to deal with such a situation. His mom heard the whole thing and was confronted with a mix of feelings: denial, anger, outrage, sympathy and confusion. His dad came back in later, and gave Rafee a huge hug and told Rafee how much he loved him no matter what. This was a double surprise, a bonus, for Rafee. All his life he longed for that hug from his dad. All his life he wanted this acknowledment from his dad. Today his dad gave him a genuine, heartfelt hug and told him directly how much he loved him.
If anything, Rafee was so relieved to have told his parents. His mom believed every single part of the story, and the only thing she said was: “Rafee we love you. If you had told us earlier, we would have sent that man to jail for such a crime. We could have arrested him and had him jailed!” Rafee asked himself in his heart, “why didn’t I tell my parents before?
The next day and for the rest of the summer, his parents made every effort to help Rafee heal. They talked to him, consoled him, and made him feel loved. They took him to counselors and doctors. Rafee had been suffering from severe depression. Rafee was just glad he shared with his parents, and realized then that his parents’ love for him was unconditional. Rafee again began seeing Hope.
2003 Summer, Jeddah.
Rafee finally gathered his courage to tell his parents one day. He flew into Jeddah from the UK for his summer break. He met his mom and dad at the airport. He was torn whether he should tell them now or the next summer break. The ride home was awkward, and his mom asked him what the matter was. Rafee lied and told them that nothing was the matter.
Rafee was in turmoil. He did not know if he should tell now or not. He battled with his previous thoughts of shame and fear. What if my parents don’t like me? What if I am rejected? What if they blame me? Rafee was so distracted he did not even realize they got home.
Entering the living room, his mom finally asked him what the matter was. Mothers always have the instinct to know when things are not right with their children.
Before anything, Rafee just sat in silence. He then spoke up as his parents were wondering with anxiety. He asked them if they remembered the house they shifted to which had the swimming pool. His mom nodded. He then told them directly: I was sexually abused in that house.
What followed were a roller coaster of emotions and feelings as Rafee poured out his story to his mom and dad. His dad however could not bear to listen to the whole thing and left mid way. Rafee noticed that, and as much as he wanted for his dad to listen to his story, he understood that his dad doesn't know how to deal with such a situation. His mom heard the whole thing and was confronted with a mix of feelings: denial, anger, outrage, sympathy and confusion. His dad came back in later, and gave Rafee a huge hug and told Rafee how much he loved him no matter what. This was a double surprise, a bonus, for Rafee. All his life he longed for that hug from his dad. All his life he wanted this acknowledment from his dad. Today his dad gave him a genuine, heartfelt hug and told him directly how much he loved him.
If anything, Rafee was so relieved to have told his parents. His mom believed every single part of the story, and the only thing she said was: “Rafee we love you. If you had told us earlier, we would have sent that man to jail for such a crime. We could have arrested him and had him jailed!” Rafee asked himself in his heart, “why didn’t I tell my parents before?
The next day and for the rest of the summer, his parents made every effort to help Rafee heal. They talked to him, consoled him, and made him feel loved. They took him to counselors and doctors. Rafee had been suffering from severe depression. Rafee was just glad he shared with his parents, and realized then that his parents’ love for him was unconditional. Rafee again began seeing Hope.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Mai Yamani
Hey guys,
Mai Yamani, daughter of Zaki Yamani the Saudi Oil Minister, used to be my neighbor in Jeddah. She now lives in London. Her views may be critical towards Saudi Arabia, but I feel she is honest about it. I heard her speak on BBC news last night, and someone sent me this article on her views on the death of King Fahd. Her basic argument is that there is no hope in the current youth generation to lead reforms in the country, but if you skip a generation, then there is a hope for reforms and positive changes. CNN reported that 3/4 of the population are 27 and below, with rising unemployment. "Two rival camps, the so-called reformers and the hard liners, are forming between the 22,000 princes and princesses in the Al Saud family." I pray for a successful transition and for positive outcomes for the future of Saudi Arabia.
Also, here is a great article on the legacy of King Fahd. I learnt a lot more about him than I did from the local newspapers here in Dubai.
Mansur
Mai Yamani, daughter of Zaki Yamani the Saudi Oil Minister, used to be my neighbor in Jeddah. She now lives in London. Her views may be critical towards Saudi Arabia, but I feel she is honest about it. I heard her speak on BBC news last night, and someone sent me this article on her views on the death of King Fahd. Her basic argument is that there is no hope in the current youth generation to lead reforms in the country, but if you skip a generation, then there is a hope for reforms and positive changes. CNN reported that 3/4 of the population are 27 and below, with rising unemployment. "Two rival camps, the so-called reformers and the hard liners, are forming between the 22,000 princes and princesses in the Al Saud family." I pray for a successful transition and for positive outcomes for the future of Saudi Arabia.
Also, here is a great article on the legacy of King Fahd. I learnt a lot more about him than I did from the local newspapers here in Dubai.
Mansur
Zero Customer Service
Hey friends,
The good brother that I am, I gave away my earphones for my iPod to my sister who has lost hers. She claims they aer expensive in London so I should get another one here. So I was at Deira City Center last night looking for new ones. Guess what? Not a single shop has them! I mean, if you are selling iPods like crazy why don't you have their accessories too?
From Radio Shack to Plug Ins to the local electronic store, no one had them, and I realized then that I gave away the best earphones I had ever used. So, my final resort was Virgin Superstore. As I was browsing through their iPods section, the staff approached me.
"Can I help you sir?" he asked away.
"Sure. I am looking for earphones for the iPods?" I told him.
"We don't stock them here."
"Do you know where I can get them from?" I inquired.
Ok, I don't know what happened, but someone blew this staff's fuse. He took a step backwards, raised his hands in the air and said out loudly "everyone wants the freakin' white earphones." I was little surprised by his attitude. He made a moody face and was expressing disgust at me for my choice.
"You shouldn't buy Apple's earphones. They suck. I am telling you," he started ranting off loudly, "Panasonic and Aiwa make better earphones."
"No they certainly don't," I spoke back, "Apple's earphones are the best because their bass is excellent."
"Sir," he said, almost shouting, "Take it from me! I have sold 1000s of iPods, I am telling you, their ear phones are the worst. I am sorry to say this, but they are worse!"
"Well, I know that Panasonic are not better than iPod and I am looking for the Apple ones!"
He just started rambling on and on and made me feel very uncomfortable. I don't know what it was. Did the fact that he was an employee at Virgin went to his head that somehow he was a cool person? Was it something personal he had against Apple? Or it because there is usually bad customer service here in Dubai anyways?
I was trying to figure out all night why this particular employee was ranting at me, saying it to my face that Apple earphones suck and that I should buy Panasonic. Who the heck was he to tell me things like this? I think he went overboard with his duty. When I want his opinion, I will ask for it. I don't want to hear someone like him telling me what to do when I just ask for earphones of a particular brand. I think the staff at Virgin have deluded themselves that they are the coolest or hippest people working on this planet. Almost always you see them do attention-grabbing things. Plus, customer service in Duabi is next to zero. When you go to UK and US, they are much moreh helpful and always believe the customer is always right. They will exchange or refund your money. Refund for money is non-existent here in Dubai.
I know I am put off by Virgin now and have decided not to go there for as long as I can avoid. I also plan on writing to the newspaper about this zero customer service here.
Mansur
The good brother that I am, I gave away my earphones for my iPod to my sister who has lost hers. She claims they aer expensive in London so I should get another one here. So I was at Deira City Center last night looking for new ones. Guess what? Not a single shop has them! I mean, if you are selling iPods like crazy why don't you have their accessories too?
From Radio Shack to Plug Ins to the local electronic store, no one had them, and I realized then that I gave away the best earphones I had ever used. So, my final resort was Virgin Superstore. As I was browsing through their iPods section, the staff approached me.
"Can I help you sir?" he asked away.
"Sure. I am looking for earphones for the iPods?" I told him.
"We don't stock them here."
"Do you know where I can get them from?" I inquired.
Ok, I don't know what happened, but someone blew this staff's fuse. He took a step backwards, raised his hands in the air and said out loudly "everyone wants the freakin' white earphones." I was little surprised by his attitude. He made a moody face and was expressing disgust at me for my choice.
"You shouldn't buy Apple's earphones. They suck. I am telling you," he started ranting off loudly, "Panasonic and Aiwa make better earphones."
"No they certainly don't," I spoke back, "Apple's earphones are the best because their bass is excellent."
"Sir," he said, almost shouting, "Take it from me! I have sold 1000s of iPods, I am telling you, their ear phones are the worst. I am sorry to say this, but they are worse!"
"Well, I know that Panasonic are not better than iPod and I am looking for the Apple ones!"
He just started rambling on and on and made me feel very uncomfortable. I don't know what it was. Did the fact that he was an employee at Virgin went to his head that somehow he was a cool person? Was it something personal he had against Apple? Or it because there is usually bad customer service here in Dubai anyways?
I was trying to figure out all night why this particular employee was ranting at me, saying it to my face that Apple earphones suck and that I should buy Panasonic. Who the heck was he to tell me things like this? I think he went overboard with his duty. When I want his opinion, I will ask for it. I don't want to hear someone like him telling me what to do when I just ask for earphones of a particular brand. I think the staff at Virgin have deluded themselves that they are the coolest or hippest people working on this planet. Almost always you see them do attention-grabbing things. Plus, customer service in Duabi is next to zero. When you go to UK and US, they are much moreh helpful and always believe the customer is always right. They will exchange or refund your money. Refund for money is non-existent here in Dubai.
I know I am put off by Virgin now and have decided not to go there for as long as I can avoid. I also plan on writing to the newspaper about this zero customer service here.
Mansur
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