Who is to blame? Individual or Society?

Dear friends,

(Disclaimer: Some of my readers maybe upset by this article, and would counter-argue my arguments and might feel differently about it. If you do feel that way, then the situations I am describing here would not apply to you because you would have had a better exposure, education and upbringing.Of course, it may seem like I am stereotyping here, that is not my intention here, and if you feel that way, I am sorry if I offend you in any way.)

A recent comment on my “in defense of Saudi teenagers’ has prompted me to write this new post. It is an attempt to answer the following question, within the context of a Saudi society for the sake of an example: Do the guys here behave a certain way because they choose to, or they behave a certain way because of the way the society evolved? In other words, should the guys take the blame upon themselves for all the wrong things they do, or should the society be blamed for creating the kind of environment in which these guys were brought up?

To those who don’t want to read the whole passage, you can read the summary at the end.

Now, please keep in mind that I use the example of a Saudi society because that is where I grew up. If you could, I think you can substitute the term Saudi for Pakistani, Emirati, Kuwaiti, Jordanian, UK, US, Europe and so on, but then, also keep in mind that the Saudi society is starkly unique and different from the other Gulf countries.

Let’s look at the way the Saudi society is developed. It is almost male-centric, in other words men have more freedom to do what they want: own their own businesses, drive, vote (remember how the male ‘prisoners’ were even allowed to vote while women were barred) among other privileges.

Education:

Schools and universities are segregated. Boys and girls don’t interact with one another. Expatriates can do that, but the local Saudis don’t. We all know they do, because they always can make a way around the rulings! What happens in an all-male or all-female environment is that the boys and the girls get wrong information and skewed ideas about the opposite sex. They think of the opposite gender as if they were objects. They don’t learn to grow to be respectful and kind to them. I can testify to this fact because I myself went to Manarah Jeddah for the first two years, and even at that time, the boys in my class would make fun of girls every time the subject of girls would come up. Sure, you can argue that it is only natural and all boys go through this phase of hating girls, but you see, this segregation carries all the way through 12th grade. Those skewed ideas are stuck in their minds, as it was in some of the Saudis I met at university here in the Emirates. There are those who do go through segregated schools, and come out as successful as those coming out of a mixed gender school, which is why we cannot blame the school segregation entirely.

One can argue that segregation is a good idea, because as we see in the West that boys and girls can get too physically intimate at a very young age, which is no wonder why there is a high number of teenage pregnancies and STDS in unmarried young guys and girls, and date rape is extremely common. However having said that, I am not advocating mixed schools or segregated schools, that is up to each society. However, in a Saudi society, this segregation goes beyond the confines of a school. Single guys also don’t get a chance to interact with females off campus. Which is why you see all these young guys driving up and down, wasting time, seemingly looking desperate to meet with girls. Which is why you see papers thrown all over. I myself have witnessed so many papers being thrown with telephone numbers written on them. You don’t see this happening for example in the UK. As one of the comments said, “guys are not as pervy in the UK as they are in Saudi.” There is a reason for that. The farther apart you keep the guys from the girls, the more desperate they become. If you allow for the natural order of things to take place, we would not have so many desperate teenagers running around throwing pieces of papers to the opposite sex. Of course, one could argue with me that these kind of things happen elsewhere as well. There are people like this all over. That is very true.

Society and Segregation:

In the real world, men and women interact. At the work place, men and women interact, unless you are working in Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan. The religious elements in the society believe that mixing of men and women will lead to temptations and so it is ‘haraam’ (forbidden). This kind of society may have existed 1400 years ago, but I don’t believe it can in 2005, because times change and we need to adapt ourselves in the wake of globalization! I remember when I was doing my internship in Jeddah, my friend from university was also there, but she was a female. She managed to get into the job, because she had an influential father. However, she was asked to stay in her one room, and her boss would visit her there. I would go eat lunch with her, because she started complaining that staying in a boxed up room all day long was driving her nuts. She felt like a prisoner! (She could not seek work as an architect in the country, and did not have experience to open up her own business, so she just married and settled for a housewife!)

So, going beyond the classrooms, guys and girls are still kept apart from one another. So many places are restricted for the single guys. I know one time my father and I went to Chilis on a weekend, and they refused to let us in because it was family night. What restaurant, of an international reputation, would refuse to entertain the single male population on weekends? I would ask the government then: if you want to keep the single men away from all these places, at least give them an alternative! When you create such a situation where you forbid the guys to do anything that you allow for the family to do, give some alternative options. Make movie theatres, make libraries, make world class social centers, make skate-boarding ramps, make basketball and football courts in public places, and I would even say to give the guys their own patch of roads so they test drive their new cars there. None of this is provided for the guys, so they end up driving up and down the roads! I mean, when the Summer Festival takes place in Jeddah each summer, it is almost entirely family-oriented. We are living in the 21st century; having book readings from poets is not my idea of keeping the young men off the dangerous track. I wish at least one of the mall builders would at least take the time out to study the 'real'needs of the city and make something for the single young guys out there.

Of course, with the advent of the Internet and mobile phones, many would argue that these instruments have made it easier for the guys and the girls to connect. Dating is in full bloom, and many guys and girls do get together as friends and enter the family sections in restaurants and malls, and once inside they split up! So, no matter how hard the society tries to keep the men and the women apart from one another, they will be meeting each other. It is only but natural.

Parents:

Another major factor in the way these teenagers are the way they are is the role, or more like the absence, of the parents. We all see the Saudi families having a maid with them. You see the maid taking the roles of the mothers. My mother used to teach at the Arabic school in Jeddah, and she would see these young girls speaking English, with a Filipino accent. These children grow up at homes where the fathers are not around, except in the evening times and where the mother leaves the job of her duties to the maids. These parents are only there to provide money. So, with the absence of parental guidance, the children are left unmonitored, they hang out with bad company and turn out to be the way they are. Parents need to have a stronger influence on their children, monitor what they watch on TV, and see what their friends are like and most importantly to make them realize the value of money. So, parents should also take some of the blame for the way their kids turn out to be.

Summary:

So, in summary, I believe that the reasons why some of the teenagers behave the way they do is because of a combination of three major things: the education system that brings them up in a segregated environment, the society which enforces the segregation even further, and finally the absence of parental guidance. It is very easy to see a singe guy harrassing a woman in a mall, and before we jump into accusing that man of bad morals and bad behavior, maybe we should take the time think, why is he even behaving that way at all?

Having said all that, I am glad to see a change in the dynamics of the Saudi society. People are realizing that a change has to be made. I was so over delighted to see women working at Fitaihi, who were serving even the male customers. I was so happy to see Saudi guys working at the cashiers at Sawary. I get happy in my heart because it is something that makes me proud: to see the Saudis do the jobs that they should have done a long time ago. Saudization is a big deal in the country, and it is going through a very patchy and rocky path.

I believe in my heart that we are all inherently good people, and we are formed and molded by the three things I mentioned above that lead us to become the people we are today, and this development of our character takes place in our growing years. I have indeed written more than I intended, but I hope those who have managed to read through this would learn to appreciate some of the reasons I have presented in seeing that one should not place the blame entirely on the individual, but take into the account the upbringing, the role of the parents, the role of the society and the way they were educated!

Mansur