I Am Just Sad...

Hey all,

Just these past few days, I have been just really sad. I don't know when it started to happen, but I just feel really sad. Maybe it's because I am alone here, or maybe it was because someone close to me made a really personal comment to me, hurting me deep in my heart. I am trying to figure out why I am just so sad. I haven't been able to smile or take something lightly. Sometimes I feel that God is punishing me for something I may done couple of weeks ago. This is not a confession blog here, but I wish I could somehow confess my sin to someone. I'd be too ashamed to talk to anyone about it, even my own parents. I have been repenting and confessing my sins to God, but even then I feel like I am being punished. I don't feel like going out of my house, even though I started a new job today, and I am beginning to hate it so much already. Nothing is able to make me happy, not even the Burberry perfume, not even my home videos. I get choked up in my throat just sitting anywhere. I went for a long walk after I left my workplace today evening, more like a soul-searching walk. I had Burger King all alone, and then treated myself to TCBY, my comfort food. Nothing made me happy. I went to an Islamic bookstore to pick out a Quran in English. I almost started to weep in there as it hit me more and more of what an ungrateful person I am to God. Maybe I need to come back to God. I have strayed so far away from God, it hurts me personally. I just feel so down in the dumps, especially after having done the Hajj this year. I realize that I have not made any changes in my life. Despite doing my Hajj, I still managed to sin in a big way. I don't know what to do. I am so confused and messed up right now. I don't understand why I am being punished this way. I finally talked to a friend here, who couldn't really comfort me with her own words but instead gave me a song to express her sentiments and her friendship to me. It is comforting to know that I have a friend like her who would think about me this way, in terms of pure friendship and not romantically inclined.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there's is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet

There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
(Garth Brooks)

I hope I can recover this week. If you don't hear anything from me on my blog, you know where I am.

Mansur