What Makes Me Live my Life Each Day....

Hello friends,

I am sitting at my dining table, as another night comes to an end. The curtains are drawn open, and I can see outside, through the balcony. I see few cars zipping down the main road. There are two neon billboard signs standing out prominent. Otherwise the city looks very sleepy. I also see the two minarets of the mosque lit up. Why do I feel I want to be there rather than my home? The weather had been nice last night, with thunder and rain. I hope it rains again tonight. There is just something about rain that I identify with. It is 330am and I am eating my bowl of Frosties. I am not sure if the drop on my cheek is my sweat or my tear. My eyes well up as I take in another day of my life. What is my life? As I try to ponder on what my life and where it is headed, I am left with even more confusing feelings and thoughts. What have I done in my life that I am so proud of? What am I doing in my life that I can look back on at proudly? What have I achieved if anything? Strong feelings of hopelessness over come me. I haven’t really done anything that can make other people proud of me. I have not won any scholarships or any awards. I am not a very popular person. Even though my parents are very well known in Jeddah, I am basically a nobody. Nobody remembers me. They all know me as my “father’s son” but not for me. Why should they even remember me anyways?

Next to my bowl of Frosties I see two things that have defined me my entire life. These two things have been with me as far as I can remember, and every time I look at them, I see how far I have come in my life, for it could have been far worse.

Both these things are my hearing aids for my right and left ear. Having been born deaf, I had always thought I would end up as a miserable loser in my life. What chance am I going to get to prove anything to people? Why would people want to pay attention to me anyways? I have seen how they talk to deaf people, and how some people make fun of them? I also fall under the group of people who are made fun of, or are not treated equally. I grew experiencing hatred, loneliness and discrimination. People would talk behind my back. Students would call me names specifically about my hearing. Others would choose not to talk to me. I would seek desperately for acceptance, but would never really get it. I would come back home from school utterly devastated. At times I would weep myself to sleep. However, I never let anyone know of my true feelings. I had to keep a strong outer appearance. I had to show the others that I am not a defeated person.

There came a point in my life when I was at a crossroad. Do I let people continue to treat me differently, or do I change my attitude and behavior, and go the extra mile to show others that I can be equal, and better than others? I am in no way handicapped, nor am I created inferior to you. Just because I may not listen to you well enough, or that I am deaf without my hearing aids, doesn’t make me an inferior person. As a result of this attitude, I consciously chose to practice my virtues and abandon all vices. I could have picked up smoking, but chose not to. I could have drunk alcohol and eat pork, but chose not to. I could have made girlfriends, not that there is anything wrong with that, but chose not to. I could choose to steal, cheat on exams and lie to others, but chose not to. I wanted to prove to others that my handicap will not stop me from achieving what I want to in life.

Although I have been delayed in school by one year, and have lost out one year in university because of a major change from dentistry to architecture, I feel today that I have achieved a lot for someone who is born deaf. The constant support from my family, and a few of my friends, have made it possible for me to live my life each day with strength and courage. My friends never let me feel anything about my hearing. I learnt early on in life that there will be mean people in this world, and I could let that affect me, or change me for the better.

So while my bowl of Frosties have finished, and cold wind is blowing in my apartment, I see my two hearing aids, which make me realize how far I have become. That drop on my cheek was indeed a teardrop, but one of happiness, as I sit here thankful to God for the life He has given me. It could have been worse, but He has blessed me with so much, and has given me so many opportunities in life. Sure, there are days when I am depressed and sad, and it during those moments when I take one look at my hearing aids, and remind myself of how far I have come in my life.

Mansur