I Am Free

Why do I feel like I am being held captive? Why do I feel like I am in bondage? I don’t know.

The alarm clock was ringing continuously. I could hear huge bells ringing in my head, as if there were a multitude of church bells right next to me. I lazily lifted my right arm to smash it down on the snooze button. When that didn’t work too well, I yanked the cord out of the socket. Angrily, I picked up the alarm clock and threw it down on the floor. Damn you alarm clock. My head weighs about a ton. I just cannot lift it up even the least bit. I try my hardest to even bring my head up, but it’s an impossible task. I can barely even open my eyes, let alone lift my head up. Lying down on bed with arms and leg spread open; I can feel myself sinking inside the bed. Bed, swallow me up please! Every second that passed by, I felt heavier and heavier.

The AC is on the coldest setting, yet I was sweating profusely in bed. My pillow has been stained with my sweat. I abruptly remove the comforter that was over me to one side. I want to cry. I don’t want to get up. I want the bed to swallow me up. With much effort, I finally manage to roll over to the edge of the bed, where I let my limp body fall to the sheepskin rug on the floor. Thud! I rub my eyes open till they come into focus.

The bathroom is only two steps away from my bed, but today I feel like its miles away. My mind was overwhelmed with the number of activities that had to happen. I skipped out on my shower and shaving. My arms felt too heavy to even shave. My brushing time lasted only seconds.

I slipped on my shorts and t-shirt, and drudged my way to the kitchen. I open the fridge door. Milk? Bread and Jam? Biscuits? Nothing. I don’t want anything. I was too consumed with other things on my mind. I don’t feel like having breakfast. I come back into my lounge, where I lay down on the sofa and curl myself up. Why am I so tired? Why do I feel so lethargic? Why do my feet and arm weigh a ton?

My cell phone rang with a loud shrill! Damn! Who the heck is that now? I didn’t answer it. The phone was at the other end of the room. I am tired. I take my eyeglasses off and crush them in my hand. Little shards of glasses prick my fingers, causing little bleeding. I pick up the glass that was on the side table from last night and throw it across the room. I hear the breaking of glass, just like my life has been broken into pieces. I grab the cord of the side table lamp and pulled the lamp off the table. The shade is damaged. I grab the scissors and start ripping my leather sofa apart. I am in rage.

Mustering up every little energy that is left in my muscles, I get up from the now ripped sofa and walk out my apartment door. The lift doesn’t show up on time. I hit hard at the buttons, without realizing I had broken it already. Walking down the stairs took me forever. With every footstep I put on the step, I felt like as if my foot was sinking in. It made lifting my leg all the more difficult.

I finally come out after what seems like hours. No one is here. The security guard is still probably sleeping. The sun is not out yet. I can barely see a flicker of ray in the horizon. I walk across the empty plot to the main road. I see the McDonalds across the street. But I was too drained away. I had no energy. I felt all the burdens of the world on my shoulders. I felt as if I was being pushed down deep into the earth, as if some invisible hands were pushing me down. I tried resisting the invisible hand to get back up, but I just couldn’t.

Thud! I feel something on my leg. Something like a thick piece of metal. Or is it rubber? I look down, and I see my leg bleeding profusely. I am not scared. I am happy. For the first time in days, I smile. Blood is gushing out from my calf muscles. I hear faint music. I look up and I see a car. It was driving away extremely fast. I felt myself all dizzy. The car seems to fade away from my sight. It went over the bridge across to the other side.

I felt heavier, and I fell down in the middle of the road. The streetlights have been turned off. Staring up at the sky, I see the swirling clouds move by. Am I moving or are the clouds moving? Peck! Peck! I know I cannot see, but I can sense a crow, maybe two, sitting on my leg. It was pecking away at my exposed leg. I bet it was attempting to eat away my meat.

The sky seems to swirl away. I was smiling all the more. This is what I wanted for all these days. I am ready. My vision is becoming blurry now. The sun is coming out, but my vision is getting darker and darker. There is more pecking on my leg. My hand, on my right side, can now feel the blood that has poured out of leg. My fingers are drenched in the pool of blood that has formed around my hand.

I turn my head to the right side to see.

I see bright lights. Is that the light at the end of the tunnel? I see two headlights as they near me. Suddenly, I hear loud screeching noise, accompanied with loud honking. I don’t know what happened next. All I know is that I was smiling. I am at peace now. I am free from the cruelties of this world.

I am free.

---Mansur